I have a hard time wading into topics publicly that I do not understand. So I wont speak on things in this blog I do not fully comprehend, but I wish you to join the conversation so that more topics can be discussed. I may have an opinion one way or another on most things but I leave my mind open because I fundamentally believe that we do not know all things. Even those who profess religion should be open minded enough to accept that reality. Its a shame that in so many instances we do not hold our political views under those guidelines. We are at times so narrow minded that we have failed to do big things in our country, maybe since the Camp David Peace Accords back in the 70's. Say what you will about Carter, he got that big deal done! We have proclaimed ourselves the/a leader on the world stage but have failed to really make things better.
But I digress, I did not want to speak about politics but about something very real, and becoming ever more prominent in our national discussion. In the wake of the recent mass shooting in California, I wanted to just discuss mental illness, and I wanted to discuss it from my point of view.
For me it was a real nightmare, that I felt I'd never wake from. I began in 2006. We had just had our second child, we had just had to sell our home and I was attempting to go back to school fulltime. One day after I'd gotten home my wife came into our room and asked, "why do you come home everyday and just get in the bed?" I looked dumbfounded, I hadn't realized that I had been doing that. She said it had been weeks, I was not helping out around the house. She said I'd been acting strange and that I should seek out help. To which I did.
We spent the next 6 years dealing with my medical problems. It ruined us financially, emotionally, it was spiritually draining. I was diagnosed with all kinds of illness. I was labored Bipolar, Manic Depressed...etc. I even had stomach problems that lasted 3 years. There were nights were I would literally spend all night vomiting violently uncontrollably like clock work every half hour.
I recall at one point in time where I felt totally paranoid in public. I only felt safe at home or at the office. So getting to work was a big deal everyday. Anyone who looked at me was a threat. I found myself looking at the exits of any building I was in. Anyone behind my was a potential threat, I had to make sure that the only thing behind was the wall. It was crippling, so much so that one day I walked into my boss' office just crying for no apparent reason and told him I needed to go check myself in to LDS. I had to make a couple of those 72 hour stays. It was humiliating, which is why so many of us go undiagnosed. There were Sundays when it was time to get ready for church and I would psych myself up to go and would find myself on the bathroom floor in the dark totally paralyzed at the thought of going anywhere. I had to quit a job I loved. I found it hard holding employment, I was totally an unreliable employee. It was hell!
While I'm dealing with this you had people whispering in my wife's ear about how I was faking it, or can't he just "get over it", and how she'd made a mistake in marrying me. Instead of finding solace in her trials she was totally alone. It was heartbreaking for me to see her having to carry the weight of dealing with my issues so much so that I sought to push her away for her to leave me so that she didn't have to deal with it.
I guess what I'm trying to get across here is that there is a lack of compassion for those who struggle with a disease that in my mind is as debilitating as cancer, but lacks the physical side effects so it often goes unnoticed or untreated until someone snaps. It shouldn't take a madman with a gun to get our attention on an issue that so many of us face. We need more funding and more research thrown at this problem. We need more awareness and more compassion for those that suffer. For those of you who do, I understand and wish to lend my support to you. There is hope! Keep fighting!
For me I was fortunate enough to be able to completely come off all medication after a surgery I had to remove my gall bladder back in 2012. I am not sure why I went through what I did, but what I gained from it is a deep sense of compassion for one more walk of life that I ignored before. It is a real issue, with real consequences. There is someone in each of our circles of influence who struggles. Put your arm around them and be a friend. Show them that there is hope. Love them, be there for them when they just need an ear or a shoulder.
May our "leaders" find the will to fix big problems here at home.
#COMMONGROUND
